Groups of predatory “meat-eating obasan” (nikushoku obasan) are using Twitter to organize “groping parties” (chikan pa-ti-) to terrorize “herbivore men” (soshoku otoko) on train lines in Tokyo, Japan.
Self-proclaimed “herbivore male” Hiki Komori said, “A group of obasan surrounded me, put their hands into my Doraemon underpants, and started slapping my monkey. I don’t even like to think about sex. I just want to bake herb bread at home alone.”
“Most young men today have no konjo, you know, balls, no, um, they lack the courage to speak out,” said, self-proclaimed “leader of the pack” of the Tokyo Chikan-Obasan Federation, Koi Waisetsu, “Thus, it’s not a public nuisance and thus not against the law. And you know they like it.”
Self-proclaimed expert on things obasan, Jo-ji Saruno, “It’s not about slapping monkeys. It’s about power, domination, and repressed desire for Bae Yong Joon. Okay, it is about slapping monkeys.”
National Police Agency spokesman, Omaru Omawari, “I pay money every week in Kabukicho for obasan to slap my monkey, what’s your point?”
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In other news, Prime Minister Yukio “The Bird” Hatoyama announced, “We have ordered formal investigation into allegations that secret treaties between the United States and Japan allowed the manufacture, possession, and use of atomic monkey slappers.”
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